May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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