5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
