Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
