onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
honey bunches of taint.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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