you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
