Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
