Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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