Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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