piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
