I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
