The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
