I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
