so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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