I think I died a long time ago.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
