When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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