I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
