here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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