I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
