Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
