why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
