Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
