i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
