Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
