Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
