I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
