was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
