The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
