Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
