i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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