when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
where am i from again
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I cut my penus on the lid.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
