They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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