What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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