There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
