I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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