you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
