My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
