i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
