just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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