I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
