That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I deserve this hangover.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
