he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
