Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
