If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
