the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
