so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
