I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
