your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
