He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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