Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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