just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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