The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
